Flashback Friday...a Long Line of Strong Circles.

I've been thinking about this one long before I wrote last Friday's story about Erin.

It's a hard one to write.

What I didn't tell you about meeting Erin was the complex emotions that swirled around in my head the whole time I was at the hospital.

Most delivery days are full of expectation, baby wonder, and hope.

I love the thought of being able to tell my nieces and nephews: "I was there the day you were born." and "I've known you your entire life."

I am in awe of those little lives that are less than hours old.

"Brand New" as mom used to laugh about. "Brand New Baby." I don't know why she got such a kick out of that phrase...but she did.

It's hard to comprehend what it means...to meet someone who has their entire lives are ahead of them and only minutes behind them.

When it meets the 24 hour mark, I often say: "you are 1 day old."

At the week: "you are 1 week old."

I love saying it, cause it is so special and will never happen again.

One of my favorite lines, from one of my favorite songs, from one of my favorite bands...says...

"I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself, to hold on to these moments as they pass...."
(counting crows, a long december).

That line has run through my head hundreds of times.
It was there when I said goodbye to someone I love with all my heart.
I heard it frequently when I watched my mom fight for her life, knowing that someday she was going to have to leave me before I was ready for her to go.
It is engrained in my head...it is on the soundtrack of my life. I try to live my life...aware that the moments are fleeting and that I need to hold on to them and experience every second of those moments that take our breath away.

But...in reality, we get busy.
We often don't know what moments we are going to wish we held onto. It's only after they pass by us that we remember and wish we would have been more present or had more moments.

And honestly it is a line that I mostly equate with inevitable endings, leavings, goodbyes and death...
Not at a baby's arrival into the world...where there are SO MANY moments ahead of them.....

That was, until I read the heartbreaking news that James and Shel found out at their last ultrasound.

That news followed me to the hospital and...


There I was, looking at Erin's tiny little face...

...and realizing...that even tho she has her whole life ahead of her...nothing....NOT ONE MOMENT....is guaranteed to us.
So, I held her and I held my breath at the same time....and just looked.

I tried to hold her and see her, really see her and study her like I would not ever see her again.

I tried to imagine not having many moments....and to really "Hold on to these moments as they pass."

And honestly, it was all a little too overwhelming...and I still don't know, How.

How.

How does one?

How will they?

I can only imagine that it will be like the story I told mom the night before her first dialysis treatment...of Corrie Ten Boom and her father .

That Grace will be there.
Not before.
But only and right when we need it.

Grace to help in time of Need.
(Hebrews 4:16)

That is the Truth I hear in my head, but in my heart...
I still wonder.

But when there are things I cannot fathom, I usually turn to my heroes and I look to and learn from the past. Our past.
I stop and say:
"what would my mom do?"
"What would my mom say?"

And in looking to our past.
Our family's past;
 I find that our family has had it's fair share of heartbreak when it comes to babies who have had far too few moments.

Even before Shel's news...

I noticed when I was reading the Kenney geneaolgy book...there had to have been a lot of sorrow and heartache for our ancestors.

I did not know that:

Aunt Lulu lost not one, but 3 infant babies. Her daughter Ruth lost her first born as well.
Uncle Guy Tilton's 2nd grandchild died at birth.
Aunt Phebe's first born died at one month old.
Uncle Ralph and Aunt Iris' first born died as a baby.

I did know that:

Grandma Bryant's first son died at one month.
And Aunt Gladys' 2nd girl, Barbara Gay, lived just one day.

I read these names and dates in the book that Ruby wrote and they look so simple in black and white type.

But, the sorrow, pain and untold stories that lie between the lines of those names is, to me, unfathomable.

Iris, Lulu and Phebe

But, they survived.
They made it through and lived and grieved and loved and laughed and I suppose, learned to "hold on to the moments as they passed."

How?

How did they?

Faith?
Grace?
Hope?
Love?

It appears that...

Our Family has been and is a Circle of Strength and Love
With every Birth and Union the Circle has and does grow
Every joy shared has and does add more love
Every crisis faced together has and does
make the Circle Stronger.

My intention in writing this is not to take away the wonderful joy of having a newborn in the family.
Continue to MARVEL and hope and ooh and ahh...away.
I am not trying to dwell on the past or fret for the near future.

It is simply to find a map.
A map for the great journey of life, no matter how long or how short our moments may be.
To know that someone in our family has been there before.
Our Mothers, Fathers, Grandmas, Grandpas, Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins....have walked this road and survived. I don't know how, but they did.

I find great comfort in this and I can only hope and pray that it brings comfort and grace to help our family in time of need.

And remember, Hold on to those moments as they pass.