Dreaming....wide awake

We were sitting closer than this in my dream last night.
Sitting shoulder to shoulder on the steps at some type of conference or concert watching the stage. Jolene was going to get up on stage and then she would be gone again...I knew it and she knew it. It was one of the more bizarre dreams I've had about her since the car accident last summer that took her life...but the ending was the same...waking up feeling the happiness of seeing and being with a long lost friend, only to have the sinking feeling that comes with the wide awake reality...she is gone...then tears.
I guess it's the time of year, working on Christmas video, getting all reflective, but I've been thinking a lot about Jolene lately. I've thought a lot about her family, Her parents...how they are doing in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of the holidays. About those little nephews of hers...and hoping that they are old enough to hold on to the memory of their Aunt Jolene.
And thinking about Jolene.
My sweet friend.
Thinking how shocking it is...still...to think of her life...being cut so short. It still makes me shake my head and question, why? It saddens me to know that there was so much ahead of her...and it shames me on the days that I think things are too hard...that she would gladly take a hard day...just to have another day.

I've also thought a lot lately about Junior.
About my sister. About Darold and his family.
About that day. About how we all wish we could just reverse, go back...change things.
But, just like with Jolene and just like with my mom...the finality of it all just shocks me everytime I let myself think on it.

The most memorable dream I've had about Jolene was also the most symbolic. I think about it often when I'm trying to get perspective. She and I are in the kitchen of my mom and dad's house. My mom is on her way home and we are going to make something for her to eat. (Jolene was a chef). I'm standing at the refridgerator and I say, "Jolene, we aren't going to be able to finish this because we don't have enough ingredients. She smiles at my realization. I then go on, "and we're not going to get to watch those movies we wanted to watch and to get through all those books we brought here to read." She laughs a little and says, "I know, I know...it's okay."

The house, my mom and my friend. All things I've lost...and they are all there together in the dream and I'm having a realization that time is too short.
It is a telling dream...and it's made me try to make the most of my time with people I love. Hopefully my dreams will change the way I live when I'm wide awake.

directions to here:
"Forever is composed of nows." (emily dickinson)