....Can't Trust that Day.

The Mama's and the Papa's got it wrong.

Forget about Mondays....

It's Tuesdays, you can't trust.

If I had only known.....

It was a Saturday nite.
She said she felt better. 
"Pretty good." 
"I'm alright."
"Don't worry about me."
Edith had been to visit and brought her a rose.
"So, see I have flowers."
I think there was some talk about missing the Super Bowl party.
There was talk of me feeling better 'cause work was getting better.
She was glad, cause she "knew you haven't been happy there for a long time."
She was glad I called, but was going to go because her arm was still swollen and it was hard to hold the phone up to her ear, she didn't want to bother the nurse or ask for help.
Okay.
We said our "Love yous" and goodbyes.


If I would have known it would be the last time I heard her voice,
I would have never hung up that phone.

If I had only Known


If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known


by Jana Stanfield and Craig Morris

Flashback Friday...Photo Booth

Is there anything more beautiful and sentimental than a simple Photo Booth strip of pictures? 

Love. Love. Love.

These pictures

Flashback Friday.....I miss this face!

Happy Birthday Mom!

The words "miss you" are way to small to describe the emotions I carry around when I think of you everyday. 

Great happiness and joy that I had a wonderful person like you for my Mom...

and sadness that our time on earth together was way too short.

I love and miss you.

Directions to here:
This picture was taken in D.C. at Steve's wedding. My mom was trying to make one moody and surly camera obsessed teenager get over her surliness. Making faces usually worked : )

Mother's Day

Some people imagine heaven is where streets are paved with gold.

Forget the gold, I'll just be happy to see her waiting for me on this porch...just like in life.

I love and miss you mom.

every.single.day.of.my.life.

More Flashback Friday...The Letter

This is the letter to friends, family and minstry partners I sent out after Mom died.
This is from the funeral service:

"My favorite verse in the Bible says:

"Let us therefore, draw near with confidence to the throne of grace,
that we may receive mercy and my find grace to help in time of need."

There is a story that Corrie Ten Boom, a survivor of the holocaust, tells about a lesson she learned from her father. She was a small child and was frightened at the idea of someone in her family dying. She could not imagine being able to endure the pain and the sorrow. She spoke to her father about her fear and he asked her, "Corrie, when we take the train to Amsterdam, when do I give you your ticket? Is it before we leave the house?" "No," Corrie answered. "Is it before we get on the train?" "No." "When do I give it to you?" She answered, "you give it to me when I need it, when the conductor comes and I need it." Her father said, "Exactly. And when the time comes when one of us must die, you will get your ticket, it will be there, just when you need it."

Our mom taught us many things. She always was ready to remind us and demonstrated to us, that God will not give us more than we can handle. And by watching my mom live her life, I came to believe it.

From my mom, I learned about two faces:

I learned what the face of pain looks like
and I learned what the face of grace looks like.

For I have seen the face of pain, not on my mom's face, mind you, for even when the pain from arthritis and later, dialysis was too much to bear, I never failed to see her smile. But I have seen the face of pain, etched across her hands and at times on her face, which might cause a grimace in pain for a second, but always turned into a smile.

I've seen the face of pain in her determination to face a flight of stairs or steps, simply by taking a hold of my hand and saying "make an arm" to help her climb them one by one.
I've seen the face of pain, in her desire to pick up a child and hold them so tightly, but only being able to hug them gently.
I've seen the face of pain as she lost loved ones along the way, but she always found hope in celebrating their life and honoring their memory.

But this face of pain was not in vain.

For every time I say pain, I also saw the face of grace.
I learned the meaning of grace by watching my mom live.

I saw the face of grace in each way she learned to make do...from her own way of opening dishes...to finding the will to smile in the midst of horrible pain that would make even the strongest of us faint.
I heard the face of grace in the words of songs she held so dear and hummed in the midst of trouble.
I saw the face of grace in the strength she drew from her family, her parents, her sisters, and the way she passed that strength onto her own children. I've seen the face of grace in her ability to laugh with others and cry with others, always putting others before herself.
And I've seen the face of grace in her sheer determination in her will to fight to live.

In 1995, the nite before her first dialysis treatment, I told her the sory about Corrie Ten Boom, where she wondered about how she would get thru the hard situations in her life. We talked about grace and we talked about receiving it just in time, exactly when we need it, that the ticket would be there to sustain her, and I told her she would be okay, because I had grown up watching her live her life in this way, not just in the big things but in her day to day life, in the little things.
Little things that you and I would take for granted...like putting on our shoes, opening a cabinet, combing our hair or opening a jar. How I had constantly over and over seen her receive grace to help in her each and every time of need.

I know what grace is, because I have seen it in her life.

Yet, I, like Corrie Ten Boom, stand here today, wondering how am I going to do this? How am I going to handle the emptiness and fill the hole that she filled in my life? How?

But I know I can tell her I will be alright. We will be alright. Because she has taught us about the face of grace. I know it exists and I know God gives it and will give it, because I've seen it demonstrated so plainly and so consistently in her life. I know it will come. I know I will be okay. I know we will be okay. I know I will receive the ticket just in time, exactly when I need it, not before, not after, but just in time.

Yes, I know what the face of pain looks like:
My mom faced it everyday.
But I also know what the face of grace looks like:
My mom showed it to me.

And I know that we will receive grace and mercy to help us in our each and every time of need."

Flashback Friday...well said.

Sister Susie is my guest blogger for this Flashback Friday.

Her post on monday said it so well.

I may be back with more,

but for now go down to the

farm

for a visit